I’ve heard it time and time again…

“We’ve gone on a couple of dates but I still don’t feel any chemistry. We’re just missing that spark, you know?”

The spark. The spark. Oh that elusive spark.

You can’t put your finger on it…but you KNOW when it’s there and you definitely know when it’s not.

But…do you really know how to spot a spark?

I’ve noticed a problem guys encounter in dating: they think that a spark naturally just “happens”. And when it doesn’t happen, they think it wasn’t meant to be.

I hear guys recount stories about how they found a woman attractive but the overall vibe wasn’t there. And they feel like there was absolutely nothing they could do to change the situation — it was up to fate to make them feel something more.

I’m here to argue AGAINST fate. I’m telling you that a lot of the time, you can create the spark yourself — it’s just hiding underneath the surface. All it needs is a little kindling, a little TLC, and a small flame to get it going.

Don’t give up so easily on a connection that could just need a little more stoking to ignite. Make the most of your opportunities and learn how to build that chemistry for yourself.

What is that “spark” and how does it feel?

First, it’s important to understand what’s exactly going on when you feel that “spark”.

That instant connection happens when you experience an overwhelming, visceral desire for someone. Not just sexually but as a person, too. It’s those moments when you’re both so damn excited to learn more about each other and share personal stories. And it’s that feeling when you just don’t want the night to end.

This spark is more accurately described as emotional attraction.

You feel emotional attraction to people with highly desirable qualities. You’re drawn to people you see as valuable.

So if you want to feel that spark with someone, you need to discover something about them that you admire. You have to see character traits that you truly respect, like intellect, creativity, or ambition. You have to experience firsthand their fun sense of humor.

In some instances, a woman is obvious about what she has to offer. She shows you her best qualities, all on her own. This then makes it easy for you to get intrigued and feel like there was a natural connection.

But in many cases, a woman doesn’t necessarily seize the opportunity to show the best parts of herself – but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist! When you don’t get a chance to see those wonderful qualities in such a short time frame, you assume that there’s no spark and there never will be.

When in reality, she may just need a little nudging to bring out her most interesting, unique self.

Why we don’t feel the spark sometimes

There are numerous reasons why someone’s best self isn’t always revealed right away.

The first few dates with someone can be nerve wracking. You’re concerned about how you’re going to be perceived and whether or not you’ll be judged. You don’t want to come across as too eager or too available.

So many of us wear a mask with new people. We don’t drop them until we know for sure that we’re accepted and we won’t get hurt.

This is especially true for a lot of young women in courtship. They have gotten used to being on guard and protective of their personal lives.

A woman usually wants a man to be the one to take the first step of expressing his more unique, edgy, or quirky side. That way, she can get a clearer picture of who he is and determine whether or not she’s ready to reveal herself, too.

But if you don’t take initiative in getting more personal…and neither does she…well, you can just about imagine the most boring, crickets-chirping, tumbleweeds-blowing kind of date conversation. No spark whatsoever.

So the tough answer to creating a spark is: you’ve got to take the lead.

Creating positive emotions = creating sparks

Let me paint the picture of what happens on a date where nobody digs past surface-level conversation…

You’re both feeling a bit apprehensive. You ask factual questions about topics you don’t really care about. You’re just filling dead air.

She then answers your questions with half-hearted, short answers. Her voice is calm – not impassioned or excited to share her next sentence with you.

You start to feel apathetic and disconnected. You haven’t revealed anything interesting about her and you sure as hell haven’t revealed anything interesting about yourself. You check your watch for the time.

You, my friend, are caught in a negative emotion loop. And you’ve got to break the cycle to create some real emotional attraction.

Only YOU know what turns you on or off in a woman. Only YOU know what makes for a really enjoyable date for you.

So instead of waiting around and hoping for her to show you a good time, why not uncover her fun side for yourself? Why not help her reveal whether or not she’s got those amazing qualities you desire? You’ve got to stop being passive and play some offense.

When you take that lead, a new, positive emotion loop is formed. The picture has changed drastically…

She answers your thought-provoking questions and you learn that she’s got a wild side. You’re surprised and immediately captivated. You lean forward and get curious about her ambition. Your eyes widen, your face becomes more expressive, and your voice is brimming with excitement. Your words flow freely and you lose yourself in the moment.

She starts to feel your warmth and approval. She engages you back with openness. She answers your questions with personal details and funny anecdotes. She smiles widely and playfully teases you.

You’re getting to see the qualities that make HER attractive. She’s getting to see the qualities that make YOU attractive.

And zing! Sparks fly.